Saturday, 28 March 2015

Insurgent Review

Insurgent Review
It’s pretty safe to say that I wasn’t looking forward to Insurgent., it being the sequel to the worst film of last year: Divergent. Its predecessor was a plodding, poorly written and maddeningly dull pile of…claptrap, made unforgivable by a premise so nonsensical, I wouldn’t be surprised if author Veronica Roth (on whose book series the films are based) turned out to be an extraterrestrial sent here to discover how much…claptrap we are capable of withstanding. My god… the premise. A world in which society is split into five factions based on their SOLE personality trait will never exist. That’s because this isn’t a dystopian future based on real socio-economic issues like The Hunger Games, it’s a manipulative, insulting and shockingly simplistic parable for teenage girls’ first world problems. But I digress. Insurgent is an objective improvement on its predecessor, until what perhaps constitutes the single worst twist I have ever experienced. If Veronica Roth is here to torture us with lazy writing and absurd storylines, she’s doing a damn good job of it…

Picking up the story a few days after the first film, Insurgent follows Tris ( a young woman on the run for not completely fitting into any of the five factions, because it’s not like everyone would display more than one personality trait!), her boyfriend Four (Theo James, displaying the charisma of a blocked toilet), brother Caleb (a disappointingly bland Ansel Elgort) and semi-nemesis Peter (Miles Teller, unfortunately stuck in a franchise he signed on to before the world realised he could act) as they attempt to evade Kate Winslet’s Jeanine, who is signified as malevolent by being an adult. As you would have cleverly surmised from the spoiler-tastic trailers, Tris is captured and forced to perform a series of tasks, each based on one of the five factions to open a box. That’s honestly the entire second half of the movie: Shailene Woodley (a fine actress struggling to find any nuance in a truly awful script) jumping around a green-screened world as Kate Winslet stares at a screen and basing her entire performance on the word ‘stoic’.

Other Divergents have unsuccessfully attempted to open this box, but you see: Tris isn’t just Divergent, she’s the most Divergent-est person EVAR. For the observant in the audience and the subconscious of the teenage audience who honestly believe these films are more than… claptrap, the whole franchise is an unapologetic metaphor for a high school cafeteria, with the social structure divided by personality and every adult occupying a space of absolute tyranny. The film takes this to the extreme on multiple occasions; a notable example being Octavia Spencers’ character shouting “My office. Now.” after a fight breaks out…in a makeshift cafeteria. This level of obnoxious pandering is turned up to 11 (yes, even after as depressing an experience as watching Insurgent, I still manage to shoe-horn in random movie references) with THAT twist ending. As it turns out, the box contains a message from the founders of the franchise’s ridiculous world, which informs us that the Divergent are in fact the saviours of the world and superior to the easily dividable in every conceivable way. That’s right, everyone who feels like they don’t fit in (which, let’s face it, is every teenager on the planet), being different doesn’t mean you’re as good as everyone else, it means your better! Do I even have to explain the inherent stupidity of that message? A franchise that could have been an important celebration of individualism as an equal to commonality reduces itself to a black-and-white depiction of people not “getting you”.

Woodley gives her all as Tris, but even an actress of her considerable talent can’t make even the best scenes any better than passable, and she’s not helped by her sleep-walking co-stars. Elgort and Teller obviously have no investment in the franchise other than a financial one, which is understandably for two gifted actors lumbered with such poor material. And Theo James… is a terrible actor. Seriously, the guy is obviously only employed for his looks and imbues Four with the charm of a moderately sized rock. Jai Courtney reprises his role as bullish traitor Eric whilst continuing to fail in showing we Hollywood insists on him being the next big thing. The impressive adult cast , including Winslet, Spencer, Naomi Watts and Ray Stevenson are unforgivably wasted. Seriously Insurgent, you have Ray Stevenson and you give him a maximum of 10 lines? Winslet receives the most screen time, but fails to register with a role that requires her to display emotional detachment (not exactly challenging!)

Director Robert Schwentke is a marked improvement on Divergent’s Neil Burger in terms of action scenes. Schwentke uses many wide shots and long takes, giving set pieces a clear sense of geography often lacking in modern action movies. Writers Brian Duffield, Akiva Goldsman and Mark Bomback were never going to be able to create a worthy product from Roth’s godawful novels, but would it have hurt them to have tried? Schwentke keeps decent control of the technical aspects, and I look forward to see him implement his skill on a film worth making. That is perhaps Insurgent’s greatest crime: bringing together such a talented group of individuals (along with Theo James) and wasting them on a pandering, nauseating and ultimately infuriating waste of time.

The morning before I saw, nay suffered through, this travesty, my friend told me it was “just as good as the first one”. Having seen it, I am forced to agree with her. Unfortunately, that means it’s the current frontrunner for worst film of the year. 

Five-Word Verdict: A steaming pile of... claptrap
Score: 1/5

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

The 10 Dumbest Things In Chappie

The 10 Dumbest Things in Chappie

Chappie, the latest film from the once-promising Neill Blomkamp, is one of the most ineptly written films of the last few years. In this post, I take a look at the movie's ten dumbest moments. An obvious SPOILER WARNING but, given that this is a pretty terrible movie, who actually cares?


  1. Chappie beats  up a character whilst screaming “No more violence!”. Go figure
  2.  The film subtitles a perfectly comprehensible English-speaking character in only one of his scenes for no reason
  3. At the end of a scene in which Ninja and Amerika are negotiating with fellow criminals, Ninja randomly says he wants the roughly 20 PS4s in the room. He then proceeds to never use them again, because product placement
  4. Chappie uses a neural transmitter to upload his conciousness, despite the fact that he's a robot, so doesn't have neurons
  5. When he discovers Hugh Jackman's plan, Dev Patel yells "Everyone will know", before proceeding to tell absolutely no-one. It later transpires that this was to allow for a final act
  6. The complete lack of security for a multi-national corporation that manages not to notice: the coding key being stolen, Chappie being stolen, Hugh Jackman sabotaging the entire police force, Dev Patel's conciousness being transferred to a robot and a brand new robot (with a completely different Yolandi-alike design) being built after the project was discontinued
  7. The main antagonist's entire motivation being "is religious", which is signified by him doing the cross symbol every two minutes and half of his dialogue being "What in the name of the lord?"
  8. Jackman pulls a gun on Patel in the middle of an office and absolutely no-one even bats an eyelid
  9. Tetravaal still have the machinery needed to create new machines (despite having discontinued the manufacture of any new robots) to allow for a sequel. Bastards.
  10. The entire presence of Die Antwoord. Just...no.
Have you seen Chappie? Did you enjoy it? Did you notice any issues not mentioned here? What other films would you like me to completely over-think? Let me know in the comments below!