Big Game Mini-Review

Big Game Mini-Review

Tonally chaotic and formulaic to the extreme, Big Game is nonetheless a wildly entertaining action-comedy-ish from Finnish filmmaker Jalmari Helander. The star of Helander bizarre debut Rare Exports, Onni Tommila, plays 13-year-old Oskari, who must journey into the Finnish wilderness and kill a deer within a day to become a man. Instead, he discovers Samuel L Jackson as the President, forced to evacuate Air Force One following an attack by terrorist mercenaries and his bodyguard (a sleepwalking Ray Stevenson). The film's sly genius is in featuring two of the most incompetent, ill-equipped and frankly useless heroes in action movie history. Oskari is incapable of shooting an arrow further than five feet, whereas the President can barely makes his way around a firearm. These unlikely comrades, assisted by Jim Broadbent's sandwich-chewing former agent Herbert, bond over their mutual ineffectuality in a slow build-up before all hell breaks loose in an enthralling final act. The tone wavers between kid-friendly adventure fare and brutal action movie, with middling results. Taken in earnest, this would be a complete disaster. However, if you can buy into the tongue-in-cheek attitude, the well-handled action and endearing performances should provide enough thrills to compensate for the cookie-cutter villains and overt masculinity. If nothing else, it surely delivers the year's greatest death scene. Trust me, you'll know it when you see it...

Five-Word Verdict: Rubbish, in a good way.

Score: 3/5

The Train Blu-ray Review

The Train Blu-ray Review

Review: The most shocking thing about watching the The Train was not only how little I knew about it beforehand, but how much it has inspired over the last 50 years. From the one-man army set-up of Die Hard to the claustrophobia of The Raid; from the ensemble cast of The Italian Job to the daring heist of Ocean's Eleven, the entire recent history of the action genre seems directly drawn from John Frankenheimer's exquisite war movie. Whilst its later impact arguably makes it greater than the sum of its parts, this is still a brilliant war movie that simply demands to be seen.

France, 1944. Art lover and fanatical Nazi Colonel Franz Von Waldheim (Scorpio's Paul Scofield) has plundered a Paris museum for its masterpieces, including works by Van Gogh, Picasso and Degas. His intention is to have them transported by rail to Berlin, but one man stands in his way. Aware that the Allied forces are fast approaching the French capital, Resistance fighter Paul Labiche (Burt Lancaster, star of one of my favourite films: Local Hero) need only stall the train for a few more days, but he’ll have to use all of his wits and skills to do so. The plot essentially exists to generate pulse-pounding action scenes, such as a palm-sweating train painting sequence (way more exciting than that description) and a brilliant Wages of Fear-style derailment (just watch the movie, okay?). The genius of setting a film almost exclusively aboard a vehicle is that the film, just like the characters, is always moving. Whilst this unfortuantely leaves little room for character developement or intricate dialogue, Frankenheimer's leads manage to engage on presence alone.

Scofield, who I was unaware of until The Train, is magnetic as the brutal leader, whose tyranny is matched only with his manipulatve nature which sometimes (perhaps unintentionally) has you siding with his quest for artistic sanctimony. Lancaster, although as expressive as a chair at times, is well-suited to the action hero mould. As with Die Hard's John McClane, Labiche is not a superhero; he spends almost half of the film with a bullet lodged in his leg! This allows for a more relatable and gritty action movie, populated by real (if somewhat exaggerated) people with selfish agendas of their own. The supporting cast adds a wealth of charm and character to the film  in an ensemble comparable to The Great Escape sprawling role call. Albert Remy and Charles Millot are excellent as Labiche's partners in morally acceptable (probably) crime. The bond the trio form during their derring do (apparently this is something people say?). Jeanne Moreau is again fantastic in a small, yet pivotal, role as the kind-hearted innkeeper with a habit of attracting Resistance fighters suffering from bullet wounds. My personal favourite has to be Michel Simon as the elderly engineer with his own scheme to halt the locomotive. His appearance is a short one, whilst simulataneously one of the film's strongest and most poignant. 

Frankenheimer, whose previous work includes The Manchurian Candidate and and French Connection II, here reveals himself to be a master of action filmmaking. Despite essentially being a director-for-hire, Frankerheimer runs the show with a hypnotic blend of long, unbroken takes and tough, Clouzot-esque editing techniques to create a disorienting and off-putting atmosphere, expertly mirroring his protagonist's increasingly desperate psyche. The director's stunning grasp of the use of movement and composition matches the all-time greats of the genre; George Miller, James Cameron and John McTiernan being easy comparisons, with grindhouse favourite Jack Hill a more immediate competitor

Whilst the momentary pacing issue (an oxymoron, surely), along with a purposefully ambiguous ending, prevent this from being a full-on masterpiece, what can't be denied as that The Train is easily one of the best action movies of the 20th century and a rollicking good time all-round. A must-see for action nuts (whilst equally essential for everyone else), this is one re-release you do not want to miss

Extras: Along with a new 1080p restoration of the film, this Arrow Films release also includes a commentary by Frankenheimer, interviews with the director and Simon, a news report on the making of the film, footage from the premiere, a trailer and abooklet with new writing on the film’s production and subsequent impact

Score: 4.5/5

Five-Word Verdict: Better than Die Hard. Sorry.

The Train will be released on Blu-ray on 11th May

Far From the Madding Crowd Mini-Review

Far From the Madding Crowd Mini-Review

Carey Mulligan shines in the latest adaptation of Thomas Hardy's classic romance novel. She plays the impossibly atrractive Bathsheba Everdene, a fiercely independent farm owner being courted by three very different (yet equally passionate) men. Belgian actor Matthias Schoenaerts is Gabriel Oak, the impossibly attractive shepherd with a heart of gold. Tom Sturridge hams up to portray the impossibly attractive Sergeant Troy, a bitter man using Bathsheba to cope with his previous love life. Michael Sheen, however, out-performs everyone as the impossibly attractive (and equally pathetic) William Boldwood, a lonely soul desperate for some company. Danish filmmaker Thomas Vinterberg makes his English-language debut in his  most restrained movie to date, departing from his typical social realism for an old-fashioned love story bordering on the quaint. Charlotte Bruus Christensen's soaringly beautiful cinematography, along with Craig Armstrong's virtuoso score, lend the film an ethereal quality to contrast the film's earthly settings. A surprisingly funny (courtesy of David Nicholls' excellent screenplay) and feminist retelling of a beloved classic, Far From the Madding Crowd is impeccably made and well-acted  counter-programming if Avenging isn't quite your thing...

Five-Word Verdict: Your English A-Level in brief

Score: 4/5

Avengers: Age of Pointless to Review

Avengers: Age of Ultron Review

The title is not a joke; there is literally no reason for me to review this movie. You already know whether or not you want to see it. If you have a soul, then congratulations and enjoy one of the best blockbusters in years. If not, tough luck. Ah well, beats contemplating my existence...

Avengers: Age of Ultron is the latest in the seemingly unstoppable winning streak of Marvel Studios, a studio seemingly incapable of making a bad movie (except Iron Man 2, but let's not go there *shivers*). Whilst technically a sequel to 2012's megahit The Avengers, it also carries over elements from all of Marvel's Phase Two films, as well as setting up future instalments such as Captain America: Civil War and Black Panther. Ultron sees Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr in the role he was born to play), Captain America (Chris Evans, still nailing it), Thor (the enjoyably hammy Chris Hemsworth), Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo; perfect), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson, perfect in a slightly different way) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner, finally getting something to do and doing it admirably) face a new threat of their own invention: the malevolent "murderbot" Ultron [cue gasps]. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner (Iron Man and Hulk. Try to keep up) decide to create an AI to, basically, do their jobs for them. After all, what could possibly go wrong from designing a self-aware robot in a blockbuster, right? Guys? Ultron employs the help of twins Quicksilver (runs fast) and Scarlet Witch (makes scary dreams) to save the world by...destroying it? Makes sense...

The Avengers was written and directed by geek god Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and my favourite TV show of all time: Firefly. He seemed like a strange choice at first, with only one feature (the cinematic hurrah of Firefly: Serenity) under his belt but his creative voice is creative voice is now so integral to these films, it's hard to imagine an Avengers movie without him. Whedon specialises in a mixture of humour, heart, brains and thrills. Nowhere is this infectious blend more apparent than in Age of Ultron. For a film marketed heavily as "the dark one", it's almost shocking how much fun this really is. Almost every line is an absolute zinger, especially in the opening action scene. The whip-sharp dialogue is so perfectly crafted, it truly is a marvel (get it?) that only one man could come up with it all. Not only is Whedon brilliant at hilarious character interplay, his work always carries with it an impressive emotional and thematic maturity. For example, the film's stance on artificial intelligence is both wildly unexpected and wholly refreshing.

The action scenes are uniformally terrific, the stand-out being the second-act Iron Man vs Hulk battle. A perfect combination of bombast, humour and melancholy. Serious question: is there anything Joss Whedon can't do? Let me know if you think of something; then shut up. The only disappointment in the action department is Aaron Taylor-Johnson's Quicksilver, who was always going to suffer from comparison to Evan Peters' pitch-perfect portrayal in X-Men: Days of Future Past. Whedon struggles to utilise super speed in any interesting ways. Quicksilver just runs around and...does it really quickly? Elisabeth Olsen fares far better as Scarlet Witch and not just because I would happily marry her tomorrow! Well, can you blame me? Scarlet Witch is arguably the film's secret weapon, simultaneously a compelling character with believable motivations and a complete bad-arse.

The MVP, though, most go to James Spader as the smooth, charismatic and psychopathic Ultron. Spader is clearly relishing the role, one that could so easily have fallen into cliche, yet one he makes his own. The film sort-of implies that Ultron learns his witticisms from Stark, but it's open to interpretation. What is clear is that he is at least a parallel to his creator, with the same sarcasm, off-the-charts IQ and penchant for blowing s**t up. The motion-capture work gives real presence and weight to Spader's virtuoso performance, with Whedon's brilliant writing rounding off what is easily the best villain of the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.

Studio interference is evident at times, predominantly during the rushed finale. At around the two-hours-ten mark, the plug is basically pulled on the movie in time for a timely rap-up. Whedon has confirmed that his original cut was over three hours long, and it really shows in the closing moments. Whilst blatantly financially motivated, it was wonderful to see Hawkeye given more development, given his "the other guy" status prior to this instalment. Although, it does slightly ruin this brilliant sketch from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ27iS1mkuo

If this really is Whedon's final bow in the franchise, his absence will be felt. Nobody can balance so many components and make them all fit naturally together like him. Whether it's a touching Hulk-Black Widow romance or an exhilarating castle siege interrupted by Captain America's hard-line rules on profanity, these films simply won't be the same without his influence. Nevertheless, with the Russo Brothers (whose Winter Soldier I grossly underappreciated on release) seemingly taking on the mantle, I can't wait to see where these characters go next. By the way, does anyone have Elisabeth Olsen's phone number?

Five-Word Verdict: Vote Joss Whedon for President
Score: 4/5

Insurgent Review

Insurgent Review

It’s pretty safe to say that I wasn’t looking forward to Insurgent., it being the sequel to the worst film of last year: Divergent. Its predecessor was a plodding, poorly written and maddeningly dull pile of…claptrap, made unforgivable by a premise so nonsensical, I wouldn’t be surprised if author Veronica Roth (on whose book series the films are based) turned out to be an extraterrestrial sent here to discover how much…claptrap we are capable of withstanding. My god… the premise. A world in which society is split into five factions based on their SOLE personality trait will never exist. That’s because this isn’t a dystopian future based on real socio-economic issues like The Hunger Games, it’s a manipulative, insulting and shockingly simplistic parable for teenage girls’ first world problems. But I digress. Insurgent is an objective improvement on its predecessor, until what perhaps constitutes the single worst twist I have ever experienced. If Veronica Roth is here to torture us with lazy writing and absurd storylines, she’s doing a damn good job of it…

Picking up the story a few days after the first film, Insurgent follows Tris ( a young woman on the run for not completely fitting into any of the five factions, because it’s not like everyone would display more than one personality trait!), her boyfriend Four (Theo James, displaying the charisma of a blocked toilet), brother Caleb (a disappointingly bland Ansel Elgort) and semi-nemesis Peter (Miles Teller, unfortunately stuck in a franchise he signed on to before the world realised he could act) as they attempt to evade Kate Winslet’s Jeanine, who is signified as malevolent by being an adult. As you would have cleverly surmised from the spoiler-tastic trailers, Tris is captured and forced to perform a series of tasks, each based on one of the five factions to open a box. That’s honestly the entire second half of the movie: Shailene Woodley (a fine actress struggling to find any nuance in a truly awful script) jumping around a green-screened world as Kate Winslet stares at a screen and basing her entire performance on the word ‘stoic’.

Other Divergents have unsuccessfully attempted to open this box, but you see: Tris isn’t just Divergent, she’s the most Divergent-est person EVAR. For the observant in the audience and the subconscious of the teenage audience who honestly believe these films are more than… claptrap, the whole franchise is an unapologetic metaphor for a high school cafeteria, with the social structure divided by personality and every adult occupying a space of absolute tyranny. The film takes this to the extreme on multiple occasions; a notable example being Octavia Spencers’ character shouting “My office. Now.” after a fight breaks out…in a makeshift cafeteria. This level of obnoxious pandering is turned up to 11 (yes, even after as depressing an experience as watching Insurgent, I still manage to shoe-horn in random movie references) with THAT twist ending. As it turns out, the box contains a message from the founders of the franchise’s ridiculous world, which informs us that the Divergent are in fact the saviours of the world and superior to the easily dividable in every conceivable way. That’s right, everyone who feels like they don’t fit in (which, let’s face it, is every teenager on the planet), being different doesn’t mean you’re as good as everyone else, it means your better! Do I even have to explain the inherent stupidity of that message? A franchise that could have been an important celebration of individualism as an equal to commonality reduces itself to a black-and-white depiction of people not “getting you”.

Woodley gives her all as Tris, but even an actress of her considerable talent can’t make even the best scenes any better than passable, and she’s not helped by her sleep-walking co-stars. Elgort and Teller obviously have no investment in the franchise other than a financial one, which is understandably for two gifted actors lumbered with such poor material. And Theo James… is a terrible actor. Seriously, the guy is obviously only employed for his looks and imbues Four with the charm of a moderately sized rock. Jai Courtney reprises his role as bullish traitor Eric whilst continuing to fail in showing we Hollywood insists on him being the next big thing. The impressive adult cast , including Winslet, Spencer, Naomi Watts and Ray Stevenson are unforgivably wasted. Seriously Insurgent, you have Ray Stevenson and you give him a maximum of 10 lines? Winslet receives the most screen time, but fails to register with a role that requires her to display emotional detachment (not exactly challenging!)

Director Robert Schwentke is a marked improvement on Divergent’s Neil Burger in terms of action scenes. Schwentke uses many wide shots and long takes, giving set pieces a clear sense of geography often lacking in modern action movies. Writers Brian Duffield, Akiva Goldsman and Mark Bomback were never going to be able to create a worthy product from Roth’s godawful novels, but would it have hurt them to have tried? Schwentke keeps decent control of the technical aspects, and I look forward to see him implement his skill on a film worth making. That is perhaps Insurgent’s greatest crime: bringing together such a talented group of individuals (along with Theo James) and wasting them on a pandering, nauseating and ultimately infuriating waste of time.

The morning before I saw, nay suffered through, this travesty, my friend told me it was “just as good as the first one”. Having seen it, I am forced to agree with her. Unfortunately, that means it’s the current frontrunner for worst film of the year. 

Five-Word Verdict: A steaming pile of... claptrap

Score: 1/5

The 10 Dumbest Things In Chappie

The 10 Dumbest Things in Chappie

Chappie, the latest film from the once-promising Neill Blomkamp, is one of the most ineptly written films of the last few years. In this post, I take a look at the movie's ten dumbest moments. An obvious SPOILER WARNING but, given that this is a pretty terrible movie, who actually cares?

1. Chappie beats  up a character whilst screaming “No more violence!”. Go figure
2.  The film subtitles a perfectly comprehensible English-speaking character in only one of his scenes for no reason
3. At the end of a scene in which Ninja and Amerika are negotiating with fellow criminals, Ninja randomly says he wants the roughly 20 PS4s in the room. He then proceeds to never use them again, because product placement
4. Chappie uses a neural transmitter to upload his conciousness, despite the fact that he's a robot, so doesn't have neurons
5. When he discovers Hugh Jackman's plan, Dev Patel yells "Everyone will know", before proceeding to tell absolutely no-one. It later transpires that this was to allow for a final act
6. The complete lack of security for a multi-national corporation that manages not to notice: the coding key being stolen, Chappie being stolen, Hugh Jackman sabotaging the entire police force, Dev Patel's conciousness being transferred to a robot and a brand new robot (with a completely different Yolandi-alike design) being built after the project was discontinued
7. The main antagonist's entire motivation being "is religious", which is signified by him doing the cross symbol every two minutes and half of his dialogue being "What in the name of the lord?"
8. Jackman pulls a gun on Patel in the middle of an office and absolutely no-one even bats an eyelid
9. Tetravaal still have the machinery needed to create new machines (despite having discontinued the manufacture of any new robots) to allow for a sequel. Bastards.
10. The entire presence of Die Antwoord. Just...no.

Have you seen Chappie? Did you enjoy it? Did you notice any issues not mentioned here? What other films would you like me to completely over-think? Let me know in the comments below!

Kingsman: The Secret Service Review

Kingsman: The Secret Service Review

The issue with seeing a film as jaw-droppingly spectacular as Kingsman: The Secret Service is writing a coherent review of it. I can’t tell you why it’s awesome; that would spoil the plethora of gleefully sick twists, the endless stream of absurdly funny gags and possibly the greatest head-explosion montage I have ever seen. I can only tell that it is awesome. Trying to explain the wit, charm and sheer joy running through this film’s veins is akin to describing the appeal of kittens. Or Kate Beckinsale. These things are self-explanatory. Provided you have a soul, that is. So, if you’re curious to see whether or not you have a soul, see Kingsman as soon as humanly possible. If not: see Kingsman as soon as humanly possible.

Based on Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons’ comic of the same name, Kingsman: The Secret Service is visionary director/best genre director working today Matthew Vaughn tongue-in-cheek tribute to spy movies, British eccentricity and pugs. Mostly Bond, somewhat regrettably. Following the death of one of their agents, the top-secret agency Kingsman, led by Michael Caine’s Arthur, must recruit a fresh face to replace him. Each member must propose a candidate for training and eventual assessment, before one is selected to join their ranks. Galahad (a brilliant Colin Firth) selects street-wise chav Eggsy (the name’s don’t get any better) for consideration. Meanwhile, megalomaniac George Valentine (I promise I’m not making these up) is planning an apocalyptic event to wipe out the virus of humanity. Newcomer Taron Egerton takes the lead as Eggsy, giving a fresh take on the admittedly tiresome chav stereotype. Rounding out the cast are Mark Strong’s Merlin (don’t blame me!), Sofia Boutella’s blade-legged Gazelle (it’s in the script, honestly) and Sophie Cookson as Roxy (her real name is Roxanne, if that’s any consolation. With the first hour spent on training and world-building, Kingsman only truly reveals itself in an rapturously ultra-violent extended fight scene in an evangelical church, in which both Firth and Vaughn wreak absolute carnage. Necks are broken, stomachs are impaled and several gallons of blood are let, all in two gloriously balletic takes. If this isn’t the best action scene of 2015, I’d better get a new set of retinas…

The cast are all game for the purposefully hokey plot of evil henchwomen, slick gadgets and doomsday devices. But what really sells that histrionics is Vaughn’s magnificent direction. Before Kingsman, Vaughn gave us the hilarious superhero send-up Kick-Ass, the disorientating crime drama Layer Cake, the severely-overrated-but-still-decent X-Men: First Class and the mediocre fantasy Stardust (although, who can begrudge a cross-dressing Robert DeNiro?). This is easily his most focused and heartfelt film to date. Kick-Ass and Layer Cake were a tad too clever for their own good, whilst First Class and Stardust seemed overly studio-centred, Kingsman finds the perfect balance. Retaining the nihilism of his less mainstream work, as well as utilising a blockbuster budget, Kingsman is the ultimate blend of Vaughn-ism and crowd-pleasing entertainment.

Jarringly violent action and post-modernist humour are par for the course in Vaughn’s adult-orientated films. However, what Kingsman brings out in Vaughn is a surprising heart beneath the misanthropic snarkiness. The message, that of self-belief and acceptance of others, may not be revolutionary, but is a damn-sight more sincere than watching an 11-year-old brutally massacre a gang of drug dealers. Call it lowered expectations, I suppose.

Similar to its protagonist, the film is undeniably flawed and rough around the edges. The Eggsy-centred first act feels distractingly retrograde for an otherwise forward-looking movie. Inner-city gangs and “chav culture” may have been relevant circa 2011, but fail to integrate into a 2015 release aiming for a broad political message about classism and elitism. Gazelle, who could have been the greatest accomplice of all time, is reduced to a bit-player until her magnificent final fight scene with the athletic Egerton.

Again mirroring Eggsy, it is ultimately impossible to deny a work of such wonderous invention and feverish creativity. Despite obvious imperfection, there is simply no use in resisting this film. Cynics will bemoan the excessive blood-letting (because how dare a film feature the actual consequences of violence) and occasionally problematic politics, but will inevitably be drowned out by the cheers, laughter and applause of  a public in desperate need of variety and (when it comes down to it) simple, unapologetic fun.

Five-Word Verdict: Alternate title: even more Kick-Ass
Score: 4/5