Kingsman: The Secret Service Review

Kingsman: The Secret Service Review

The issue with seeing a film as jaw-droppingly spectacular as Kingsman: The Secret Service is writing a coherent review of it. I can’t tell you why it’s awesome; that would spoil the plethora of gleefully sick twists, the endless stream of absurdly funny gags and possibly the greatest head-explosion montage I have ever seen. I can only tell that it is awesome. Trying to explain the wit, charm and sheer joy running through this film’s veins is akin to describing the appeal of kittens. Or Kate Beckinsale. These things are self-explanatory. Provided you have a soul, that is. So, if you’re curious to see whether or not you have a soul, see Kingsman as soon as humanly possible. If not: see Kingsman as soon as humanly possible.

Based on Mark Millar and Dave Gibbons’ comic of the same name, Kingsman: The Secret Service is visionary director/best genre director working today Matthew Vaughn tongue-in-cheek tribute to spy movies, British eccentricity and pugs. Mostly Bond, somewhat regrettably. Following the death of one of their agents, the top-secret agency Kingsman, led by Michael Caine’s Arthur, must recruit a fresh face to replace him. Each member must propose a candidate for training and eventual assessment, before one is selected to join their ranks. Galahad (a brilliant Colin Firth) selects street-wise chav Eggsy (the name’s don’t get any better) for consideration. Meanwhile, megalomaniac George Valentine (I promise I’m not making these up) is planning an apocalyptic event to wipe out the virus of humanity. Newcomer Taron Egerton takes the lead as Eggsy, giving a fresh take on the admittedly tiresome chav stereotype. Rounding out the cast are Mark Strong’s Merlin (don’t blame me!), Sofia Boutella’s blade-legged Gazelle (it’s in the script, honestly) and Sophie Cookson as Roxy (her real name is Roxanne, if that’s any consolation. With the first hour spent on training and world-building, Kingsman only truly reveals itself in an rapturously ultra-violent extended fight scene in an evangelical church, in which both Firth and Vaughn wreak absolute carnage. Necks are broken, stomachs are impaled and several gallons of blood are let, all in two gloriously balletic takes. If this isn’t the best action scene of 2015, I’d better get a new set of retinas…

The cast are all game for the purposefully hokey plot of evil henchwomen, slick gadgets and doomsday devices. But what really sells that histrionics is Vaughn’s magnificent direction. Before Kingsman, Vaughn gave us the hilarious superhero send-up Kick-Ass, the disorientating crime drama Layer Cake, the severely-overrated-but-still-decent X-Men: First Class and the mediocre fantasy Stardust (although, who can begrudge a cross-dressing Robert DeNiro?). This is easily his most focused and heartfelt film to date. Kick-Ass and Layer Cake were a tad too clever for their own good, whilst First Class and Stardust seemed overly studio-centred, Kingsman finds the perfect balance. Retaining the nihilism of his less mainstream work, as well as utilising a blockbuster budget, Kingsman is the ultimate blend of Vaughn-ism and crowd-pleasing entertainment.

Jarringly violent action and post-modernist humour are par for the course in Vaughn’s adult-orientated films. However, what Kingsman brings out in Vaughn is a surprising heart beneath the misanthropic snarkiness. The message, that of self-belief and acceptance of others, may not be revolutionary, but is a damn-sight more sincere than watching an 11-year-old brutally massacre a gang of drug dealers. Call it lowered expectations, I suppose.

Similar to its protagonist, the film is undeniably flawed and rough around the edges. The Eggsy-centred first act feels distractingly retrograde for an otherwise forward-looking movie. Inner-city gangs and “chav culture” may have been relevant circa 2011, but fail to integrate into a 2015 release aiming for a broad political message about classism and elitism. Gazelle, who could have been the greatest accomplice of all time, is reduced to a bit-player until her magnificent final fight scene with the athletic Egerton.

Again mirroring Eggsy, it is ultimately impossible to deny a work of such wonderous invention and feverish creativity. Despite obvious imperfection, there is simply no use in resisting this film. Cynics will bemoan the excessive blood-letting (because how dare a film feature the actual consequences of violence) and occasionally problematic politics, but will inevitably be drowned out by the cheers, laughter and applause of  a public in desperate need of variety and (when it comes down to it) simple, unapologetic fun.

Five-Word Verdict: Alternate title: even more Kick-Ass
Score: 4/5

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Review

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Review

Man, was I not looking forward to this review. Not because I hate discussing Peter Jackson’s Middle Earth saga. Hell, I could probably send everyone else to sleep discussing how perfectly these films, especially the Lord of the Rings trilogy, showcase the greatness that can be achieved by giving a quite possibly crazy person a massive project and the budget to let him do whatever he bloody-well wants. Here’s the problem: The Battle of the Five Armies is a massively flawed movie with very little in the way of narrative structure or cohesion. Yet, I walked out of the screening with tears in my eyes, a smile on my face and an urge to rave about it. Unfortunately, I’m a film critic, or at least that’s what they tell me. So, as much as I’d like to tell this is one of the year’s finest films, that simply wouldn’t be true.

Picking up directly after Desolation of Smaug, The Battle of the Five Armies is the culmination of the epic (and somewhat unnecessary) trilogy adapted from JRRR Tolkein’s 300-page tale of hobbits, dwarves, elves and Billy Connelly riding a CGI pig. Apparently. Having defeated the nefarious dragon Smaug, dwarf king Thorin is slowly becoming corrupted by his copious amount of gold. Meanwhile, Bard The Bowman (yes, that’s actually his name) must salvage the ruin of his people’s hometown. The film also follows Thranduil the woodlen elf king and his son Legolas, who teams up with Tauriel to uncover the orcs’ (led by Azog and Bolg). Witnessing all this is the titular Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins and are you confused yet? This really is a film that assumes you’ve seen all the other instalments. There is very little in the way of superfluous exposition or world-building. Director/writer Peter Jackson has made a film strictly for those who enjoy his Middle Earth films. I obviously have no problem with this, given that I adore these movies, it will do nothing to win over sceptics.

The performances are what ground this enjoyably ridiculous fantasy, most notably Martin Freeman and Richard Armitage as Bilbo and Thorin. Their friendship is truly palpable, making Thorin’s fall from grace all the more effective. Oh, and Freeman easily has the best walk in the business. Lee Pace and Luke Evans both give surprisingly nuanced performances as Thranduil and Bard. Rounding out the massive cast are Orlando Boom and Evangeline Lily as Legolas and TaurieI, along with minor roles for greats such as Ian McKellen, Cate Blanchett, Hugo Weaving and a 92-year-old Christopher Lee. Along with the snapy pacing, the script excellently presents a real dilemma: do we route for the rational peace-keepers or the dwarves we’ve grown to love over the last two movies? This refusal to mark anyone as wholly good or evil (or at least until the orcs appear to wreak havoc because reasons) makes this far more intelligent than the often clear cut conflicts of its predecessors.

Jackson is one of the finest visual storytellers of our time and the 45-minute battle of the title is perhaps his finest achievement to date. At least, it would be, if he hadn’t forgot to include the main characters until 15 minutes in. Those first 15 minutes, whilst visual stunning, are rendered emotionally inert by not featuring any of the characters with names/discernible personalities. I mean, even Azog (the main villain) is watching from afar whilst his pawns enact his dirty work. The later stages of the climax more than make up for this terrible creative decision with what could well be the most emotionally involving (pretentious word incoming) denouements (I warned you) I've ever seen in an action movie.

There are other distracting quibbles along the way. Whoever decided that Legolas should be the most over-powered badass of all time should be fired (preferably with a gun). Any threat towards him becomes utterly meaningless when you know he can perform a Mortal Kombat finishing move and move on. His fight scenes are the equivalent of watching your friend stepping on an ant, if that ant was a 7-foot-tall CGI orc. The opening action scene is grossly underwhelming and rather hard to follow. Smaug gets approximately 5 lines in the entire movie! I’m not kidding; the main antagonist of the last film has fewer lines than Bard’s blank slate daughter.

This may sound like a pretty negative review, but let me reassure you: I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Is it a great film? Not even close. Is it a highly entertaining, emotionally resonant and subtly political (in terms of the power of greed and the distrust and maltreatment of the poor by the enormously wealthy) film that had me wiping away tears three times? Definitely. Jackson doesn’t try to gain new fans, he aims for the ones he already has. And that’s perfectly fine by me.

Five-Word Verdict: Go to the toilet beforehand

Score: 3.5/5*

*3/5 if you are not a Middle Earth fan

Dolphin Tale 2 Review

Dolphin Tale 2 Review

There's a common saying in the movie-going world: "It's just a kids' movie". This mind numbing phrase is often used to defend intellectually vacant family films. As you can already tell, I truly despise this saying. Making a film for kids isn't an excuse to slack off, it's a responsibility to try harder. The entertainment we consume as children vastly inform the adults we become and to pass up on effort despite this is nothing short of ignorant. Don't get me wrong, Dolphin Tale 2 isn't quite The Boxtrolls (heaven knows we don't need two of those in the space of a month), but it's so, so damn close...

Inspired by the true story of rescue dolphins Winter and Hope, the film follows the staff of Clearwater Marine Aquarium and the drama in and outside of the pool. Characters =, who all seem scientifically designed to be as uninteresting as humanly possible, including teenagers Sawyer (a perfectly fine Nathan Gamble) and the beyond-irritating Hazel (Cozi Zuehlsdorff, equally unbearable). Harry Connick Jr is a pleasantly charming as aquarium boss Clay. Morgan Freeman and Austin Stowell (notable only for looking suspiciously like Sean Maher from Firefly) round out the serviceable adult cast. But, the real stars are Winter and Hope, playing themselves in the film, whose endearing acrobatics and distinct personalities give much-needed respite to the insomnia-defeating proceedings

The writing is truly exceptional – in its awkwardness. Writer-director Charles Martin Smith has clearly never met or been a teenager before. Sawyer and Hazel’s supposedly fledgling relationship is utterly unconvincing and portrayed completely in silences. Seriously, if you’re taking writing advice from Twilight, you have a massive problem. When the characters decide to end the hilariously awkward silence, we are treated to the least subtle writing outside of an ink-covered hammer. Almost every single line of dialogue is either an exposition dump or a clear, defined explanation of exactly what the audience should be feeling at that given moment. Come on, Smith, give the kids some credit!

The direction is more made-for-TV than most actual made-for-TV movies. There’s nothing particularly wrong with it, but there’s even less of merit. Smith’s approach seems to be “Right, you say your lines and I’ll find somewhere you’re not standing to put the camera. What, try to do something interesting or different? You’re fired! Wait, you’re the camera man, aren’t you? You make a valid point. Welcome back. With benefits.” No one’s face has been cropped and there’s none of the dismal editing that so plagued Magic in the Moonlight, but would it have killed Smith to have tried?

Dolphin Tale 2 is the perfect example of a bad kids’ movie coasting on the fact that no-one expects any more of it. The thing is: we should. A world where a film made for children isn’t assessed on the same grounds as other films purely because of its audience is one I don’t want to be a part of. The animals and decent performances prevent this from becoming any worse innocuously unengaging. But, that really isn’t enough…

Five-Word Verdict: I like dolphins. Not this.

Score: 2/5

Magic in the Moonlight Review

Magic in the Moonlight Review

I have long rejected the notion that one’s own place in the world has no bearing on one’s enjoyment of media. In my view, someone’s current circumstance, beliefs or even general mood is just as important to their view of a specific piece of entertainment as the piece’s objective quality. It would be remiss to claim that someone in a long-term would not be predisposed to relate to, and thus enjoy, a film such as Before Midnight more than a bachelor in the mid-20s. This is the very reason we have concepts such as target audience and stereotypes. To deny that personal situation has any effect on consumption is, if nothing else, a falsehood. I say this, as a nominal “film critic”, because this fact is one that will either make or break your enjoyment of Magic in the Moonlight. To discuss this in the context of the film would be to reveal its biggest secret, so I would suggest seeing the film and deciding for yourself. I, personally, rather enjoyed it…

Woody Allen’s latest film details the adventure of Colin Firth’s jaded magician Stanley, who travels to Southern France to debunk beautiful spiritualist Sophie (the ever-engaging Emma Stone). Inevitably, they form a timid romantic attachment, despite seeming to be complete polar opposites. Allen is aided by a game cast, with Firth in particular hinting at complexities not found in a surprisingly stilted screenplay. Hamish Linklater manages to scrape some dignity from a role that literally boils down to “play the ukulele and sing badly”. Marcia Harden stays just the right side of idiotic as the impossibly naïve Mrs Baker. The film, however, belongs to Eileen Atkins as Stanley’s wearied Aunt Vanessa. Her warm smile and comforting voice serves as a perfect counter to Firth’s pessimistic and occasionally cruel Stanley.

Allen’s direction is enjoyably subdued, focusing on long takes and wide shots of the astoundingly beautiful French coast. His great work is occasionally marred by some truly awful editing choices. Editor Alice Lepselter apparently doesn’t understand that in a dialogue scene, each character should seem like they’re in the same place as the other. Repetitive shot-reverse-shot exchanges are both distracting and emotionally distant. There are at least two instances in which the definition of the term “audio dubbing” is stretched to its very limits. Believe it or not, dialogue should match up with a character’s lips. Honestly, look it up. Interesting stuff…

The film is, if anything, tonally awkward. Allen can’t seem to decide if he’s making a fairy tale or a Mike Leigh movie. The message, whilst I certainly subscribe to it, comes far too late to really make an impact. The end-of-second-act twist is perhaps the single most jarring thematic shift I’ve ever seen.

If this sounds overly negative, I should stress that I did enjoy Magic in the Moonlight. The performances are excellent, the pace snappy and cinematography beautiful. Whilst a mismatched script and poor editing prevent this from being anything other than enjoyable fluff, sometimes enjoyable fluff is just what you need...

Five-Word Verdict: Woody, this isn't quite magic

Score: 3/5

Meatspace Pilot Review

Meatspace Pilot Review

I deem it necessary to preface this review by saying that William Carlisle, creator, writer and director of the Meatspace pilot, is a very talented critic. His reviews of Doctor Who (as MrTardis) and general releases (as TrillbeeReviews) are consistently entertaining and informative. Unfortunately, from the evidence of this pilot, that talent does not extend to writing for television.

Meatspace follows the lives of four university students over their time in higher education and their ever-changing relationships with each other and the online world they have grown accustomed to. This episode depicts filmmaker Jamie (John Ferguson), writer Lydia (Della Maylan) and nuisance David (Cayde Sleeth Wilding) as they slowly convince flatmate Megan (Chloey Rose) to open up about her incredible singing voice. Meatspace, we are told by at the start of this episode, refers to the physical world, as opposed to cyyberspace. Carlisle, however, appears to be writing about somewhere else entirely. The world shown in this pilot is not the world you or I live in, and nor do the characters speak or act like it is.

The characters are likable enough, but fail to escape the confines of their stock characters. Jamie is the nice guy. Lydia is the sassy girl. David is the slob. Megan is the shy girl. You've seen these characters a hundred times before, and performed much better. Wilding and Rose are the standouts, generating a couple of decent laughs (a scene based around a Jenga game is excellent) and one particularly touching scene near the end. The other two leads are complete cardboard, expressing minimal personality and even less humour. 

The direction is sufficient, although lacking in creative flair. You really don't get a sense of Carlisle's specific style or personality. The scenes are staged capably but are in no way outstanding. It honestly feels like anyone could have directed this. His writing, though, is where he, along with the rest of the episode, fall flat. Nothing seems natural, especially in the comedic scenes. The attempts at emotion are let down by forced, overly expository, dialogue and an apparent lack of human understanding.

A minor issue, but I found the lighting to be overly intense in some scenes, distracting from the dialogue. Other technical aspects work well, though. The sound mixing is especially impressive given the budget. The dialogue and background noise merge perfectly , creating a crisp (I've just made myself hungry, I'll be right back)...

...sound track. 

Whilst there are certainly aspects of Meatspace to appreciate, especially a few of the performances, this experiment is ultimately a failure. I definitely see potential in the concept (see more on this here: https://www.facebook.com/MrTARDISreviews?fref=nf) and if the writing improves, I can definitely see an enjoyable version of this show appearing on our screens soon. For now though, I'll pass...

The pilot will be broadcast on the TrillbeeReviews YouTube channel at 21:00 BST on 5th September

Five-Word Verdict: Effort does not equal quality

Score: 2/5

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes Review

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes Review

What was surprising about director Rupert Wyatt's Rise of the Planet of the Apes was not that it was extremely successful, rather that it was excellent. A smart, thrilling and fast-paced action movie, utilising incredible motion capture technology to create jaw-dropping ape effects. The main surprise in Matt Reeves' sequel is that it improves on it's predecessor in every way...

Dawn follows a growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors (led by Jason Clarke's Malcom and Gary Oldman's Dreyfus) of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth's dominant species. Unlike Rise, and what ultimately gives Dawn the upper hand, there is no clear cut villain. There are flawed individuals on both sides but all with understandable motivations behind there inevitable actions. War is treated as an inevitability, a horrifying end to the means of this story. 

The performance capture work has vastly improved, almost to the point of photorealism. Andy Serkis leads the apes as Caesar, an Ocar-nomination worthy performance of surpressed rage and wisdom. Toby Kebbel is truly threatening as bad-egg-ape (?) Koba, whose scars present themselves both physically and emotionally. Jason Clarke and Gary Oldman both provide strong support, but this is ultimately the apes' story.

The Planet of the Apes franchise has always prided itself on social commentary, often focusing on racism, religion, the legal system and the environment. For Dawn, however, writers Mark Bomback, Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, make a brave, inevitably controversial plea for gun control. Almost all of the conflict in the movie are, directly or otherwise, caused by the excessive use and trust of guns in modern America. It's a strange move, sure, but one that instantly sets the film apart from all other blockbusters, especially the military recruitment video that was Transformers 4. There is even some Holocaust imagery towards the final act, a terrifying reference to the power all-consuming hate can have over people. 

Along with the ground breaking performance capture work, Reeves has curated stunning technical aspects. From Michael Giacchino's primal, thrilling score to Michael Seresin's starkly beautiful cinematography, every aspect works to create a larger, greater whole. Special mention must also go to James Chinlund's fantastic production design, whose blend of modern technology and organic structures is a sight to behold.

If there is a fault, it is inherent in the material. We all know how this ends, so there is a sense of predictability that occasionally robs the film of its full potential. An over reliance on coincidence and convenience is often noticeable, especially in one of the worst character decisions this year. A few human characters are given short shrift, especially Malcom's wife and son (with decent work from Keri Russell and Kodi Smit-McPhee).

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, despite undeniable flaws, is an intelligent, complex and incredibly satisfying blockbuster and one of the best films of the year. With the inevitable third chapter already in development, this franchise is one of few I'm happy will stick around. Just as long as it doesn't revolt...

Five-Word Verdict: Far better than the title

Score: 4/5

Transformers: Age of Extinction Review

Transformers: Age of Extinction Review

To write a full review of Transformers: Age of Extinction would be to give it far more credit than it deserves, so I'll give the worst film of the year this:

This movie made me hate Stanley Tucci.

Seriously.

Five-Word Verdict: An intolerable exercise in ennui

Score: ½/5