Star Trek Beyond Trailer Review

Star Trek Beyond Trailer Review

Captain Kirk rides a motorbike in this movie. Yup. I'm the only one who thinks that, along with the trailer as a whole, is kind of awesome?

To give you some background here, my first contact with anything even tangentially Star Trek-related was JJ Abrams' 2009 reboot, which I still hold in high regard today. Although it's not exactly vintage Trek, the action, humour and emotional core of the franchise's essence remained. It's what got me into other Trek ephemera: the Next Generation movies and The Original Series for the most part. If Into Darkness was something of a complete and utter mess, I still appreciated the dopey tale it told, Tribble blood cop-out and all.

This would probably explain my passionate adoration for the first trailer for Star Trek Beyond, the third in the reboot series, which sees Justin Lin take over as director and Simon Pegg and Doug Jung left to pen the script following troubled pre-production.

As evidenced by my prior experience with the franchise, my vision of Star Trek has always lent more towards pulpy space adventure rather than meditative philosophy. Not that TOS was devoid of substance (its deft handling of geopolitical subject matter is now considered one of its greatest strengths), but let us not forget that it was often just as prone to excessive action (the Kirk/Gorn fight) and general silliness (those damn Tribbles again) as the Beyond trailer is hinting at.

Honestly, Kirk inexplicably having a motorbike to hand on an alien planet feels much more in keeping with the movie's campy origins than the stoic philosophising of Into Darkness et al. It's not even like the serious-minded allegories are lost amid this tirade of alien kung fu, space battles and The Beastie Boys' Sabotage. There's a pretty ominous line from Idris Elba's as-yet-unnamed villain about "the frontier pushing back".

Here, we seem to be getting a challenge to the very foundation of Starfleet, which has always suffered from a perverse paradox of righteous colonialism. An antagonist in direct opposition to that goal seems an excellent way of naturally exploring the moral ambiguity of the crew's work without having to deliver it via wrought exposition.

Besides that, the small character beats at play are promising. The Bones/Spock relationship appears to be revelling in their contradictory personalities and Scotty's reaction to the soundtrack is note-perfect. Much has been made of the song choice, with many claiming it to be a rip-off of the nostalgic tunes employed so wonderfully in Guardians of the Galaxy. This could well be true, but nothing has ever been made worse for featuring The Beastie Boys. Except a wedding reception. Never again.

Based on this delightfully offbeat trailer, Star Trek Beyond looks like a classic TOS episode expanded to a 2-hour, big-budget blockbuster. If Pegg and Jung manage to find the right balance between old-fashioned cheese and real-world import, we could be on to a winner. For now, though, let's give the movie a chance...

Star Trek Beyond is out in cinemas on 22nd July 2016

Tokyo Tribe Review

Tokyo Tribe Review

"Dogs before b**tches"

The unholy love-child The Raid and West Side Story, Japanese auteur Sion Sono's Tokyo Tribe is a Warriors-esque gangster action musical where almost every line is rapped. It's just as inherently awesome as that sounds! A propulsive explosion of shocking violence, incredible music and pure-hearted sincerity, Tokyo Tribe caters for the nichest of niche audiences. It's a work of complete, suffocating insanity; one of the most singular visions in recent memory. I wouldn't want it any other way...

In an alternate Japan, Tokyo is divided between territorial street gangs, each occupying a dazzling new level of hedonistic degeneration. A lone hope beckons from the charming Musashino Saru group, whose message of peace, love and acceptance comes to define the deceptively moralist film. When Wu-Ronz’s manically emasculated Meru unites with Buppa (of Buppa Town; where else?) to conquer all of Tokyo, he unleashes an all-out war. A parade of increasingly absurd personalities and situations follows as Tokyo Tribe seeks to enthral above all else. Our guide through the chaos is Shôta Sometani as the aptly-dubbed MC, a dispassionate observer as amused by the youth’s animalistic tendencies as Sono evidently is.

The acclaimed purveyor of intellectual exploitation is simultaneously disgusted by and revelling in his story’s self-imposed frivolity. The geniunely moving conclusion, transcending all the characters’ alpha-male posturing, is where Tokyo Tribe plays its true hand. The previous two hours of swaggering mindlessness have all been for nothing; only compassion and love can solve the senseless conflict that has driven the delightfully bonkers proceedings. Amid the neon-drenched hellfire of Tokyo’s underworld, Sono finds profundity in unbridled vacuity.

 

By celebrating, chastising and eventually galvanising a generation lost to empty self-projection, Sono has crafted a postmodernist masterpiece. Tokyo Tribe is violently affectionate, lovably vile and wholly indescribable. There is but one certainty with a film so forcefully enigmatic: you simply must see this movie.

Five-Word Verdict: A cult classic is born.

Score: 5/5

Irrational Man Review

Irrational Man Review

This image more or less sums up the rest of the review

There’s something strangely cathartic about being disappointed by a movie, as I learnt after a preview screening of Irrational Man. You know the old saying "quality over quantity"? Well, Woody Allen appears to hold a slightly different philosophy, "abundance of quantity; eventual quality". So it goes with Woody’s yearly output, for every barn-stormer like 2013's Blue Jasmine, there's a film as soufflé-light as this meandering comedy-drama. For all its intellectual posturing on the nature of morality, it truly is shocking just how little point his latest misfire serves beyond squandering knock-out turns from his charming leads on a frivolous comedy caper that’s entirely devoid of both laughs and suspense. For a long-time Allen apologist such as myself, it was a sorry state indeed.

Joaquin Phoenix is Abe Lucas, a tormented philosophy professor in need of direction whose misguided “righteous” deeds threaten to undermine the foundations of his relationship with a naïve student (the adorable Emma Stone). It’s Parker Posey, though, who tears up the screen and leaves the whole film miles behind her as a self-destructive teacher. If it weren’t for her ferocious performance and the occasional witty aside, there would be very little to recommend Irrational Man. As with most Allen pictures, the story exists to show off his knack for the interplay between overeducated intellectuals, rather than create dramatic tension in its own right. Not that Woody’s lost his touch for dialogue exchanges, but it’s baffling how limited his work comes across this time around. How is it even possible that the same man made cinema’s greatest rom-com, Annie Hall, just 30 years prior?

It’s second-tier Allen on all fronts. His actors’ chemistry fizzles without ever sparking, the conversations feel stilted, rather than free-wheeling and the tone never settles between dark caper and absurdist melodrama. Recommended only for the most ardent of Woody fans or those who will discover his previous great works through this mediocre one.

Five-Word Verdict: Liking it would be irrational

Score: 2/5

Irrational Man is out in UK cinemas on Friday 11th September

The Surface Review

The Surface Review

If Cast Away and All is Lost had a laconic baby, it would look a lot like Gil Cates Jr.'s micro-budget survival drama, The Surface. Whether or not this is good news will depend on your tolerance for glacially paced dialogue scenes and non-existent production values. Make no mistake; this is a film where even the setting moves faster than the runtime. It's a true two-hander between Lord of Rings alumnus Sean Astin, as suicidal widower Mitch, and Chris Mulkey's Kelly, at first a voice of reason, whose past mistakes gradually reveal him to be just as tortured and complex as his more extroverted counterpart. Mitch drives his boat to the heart of Lake Michigan, with grave intentions to escape his deep-seated hatred for what life has become, only to encounter Kelly as the lone survivor of a spectacular plane crash. What transpires is an 80-minute character piece, with each new line of suspicious questioning peeling back the character's stoic veneers to reveal a sorrowful gap in dire need of filling. Could they be exactly what the other needs to gain back their lust for life? I mean, what do you think? 

The film's occasionally tiresome runtime demands a strong screenplay and charismatic leads to carry its audience through large stretches of, if we're honest, nothing. Writer Jeff Gendelman has a keen eye for the alpha male posturing of the early scenes, although he and Cates struggle to maintain interest for the whole journey. Astin and Mulkey are more than capable of keeping the film bouyant (it's funny because they're on a boat). Without their nuanced, powerful and ultimately hopeful turns, the movie would have undoubtedly sank under the weight of its laborious pacing. Although it never meets the impact of other, more consequential, survival movies, the fine leads and an introspective screenplay make The Surface a sufficiently moving take on a tired formula.

Five-Word Verdict: I felt feelings. A lot.

Score: 3/5

The Surface is out on VOD, iTunes and DVD on Tuesday, 1st September

Double Review: Hard to be a God and The Burning

Hard to be a God and The Burning

On Friday 29th July, I attended my first national press screening, for Arrow Films' release of the Russian sci-fi epic Hard to be a God. Present were some of my greatest idols, including The Guardian's Peter Bradshaw. It was a magical experience to gain first-hand insight into my (hopefully) future career. Arrow also recently sent me The Burning (El Ardor in its native Argentine-Spanish), a western-inflicted thriller with supernatural undertones. Although I'm eternally grateful to Arrow for everything they provide me to review, my reactions to both films were far less than spectular...

Hard to be a God: Twelve years in the making, Aleksei German's critically acclaimed three-hour odyssey was completed by his son, Aleksei German Jr. after his untimely death. According to the synopsis, it tells the story of a group of scientists who visit the distant planet of Arkanar, and discover a society still trapped in its own medieval era.  Unable to interfere with the course of its history, they can only watch in mounting horror as all sparks of intelligent and independent thought are mercilessly snuffed out by Arkanar’s cruel rulers. In fact, barely a hint of that admittedly intriguing premise is present in this laborious waste of time. If it weren't for a heavy-handed opening voice-over, the audience would be none the wiser that Don Rumata (Arkanar's tyrannical leader) and company were from a different time, or even that this was taking place beyond earth. Rumata and his fellow astronauts are perhaps more barbaric than their native underlings, which clearly coincides with the apparent message of the movie (!).

Instead of exploring the deep moral quandaries of ruling a ghastly, putrid society, German is content to infect the screen with three hours of wandering through mounds of s**t in the service of nothing. The first half is suitably vile; never before has a film captured the sheer atmosphere of a setting so perfectly. Eventually, though, hours upon hours of misery, disgust and discomfort become monotonous. There are only so many times you can show people squatting in the mud looking for answers before the audience equally demand an explanation. Alas, a point is never made. It really is just a seemingly endless parade of depravity, all told in evocative Steadicam shots. There is no character development (or much in the way of character, in fact); no important message to be recounted; nothing worthy of interest at all in this painfully tedious film. If German's sole aim was to simulate the boredom and pointlessness of the Middle Ages, this is a masterpiece. If he was attempting to make any compelling point, it's a complete disaster. Hard to be a God is a technically astounding achievement, yet also a hollow one. 

Five-Word Verdict: Adolescent, brutish and genuinely horrible.

Score: 2/5

Hard to be a God is out in cinemas on 7th August and on Blu-ray and DVD on 7th September

The Burning: Marred by arrhythmic editing, hammy acting and paper-thin characters, this god-awful thriller features shades of Sergio Leone, but better homages the sensation of  Chinese water torture. Considered for Argentina's Best Foreign-Language Oscar entry, it provides clear evidence that the Argentine's were having a slow year for homespun releases. Gael Garcia Bernal stars as a perpetually topless water spirit (or something. I honestly can't remember) who emerges from the rainforest to rescue the kidnapped daughter (Alice Braga, a fine actress given precisely nothing to do) of a poor farmer after mercenaries murder her father and take over his property. They are also assisted by a lone jaguar, who apparently has a sixth sense: for who it would be convenient to kill at any given moment. What could have been an amiably cheesy exploitation movie in the vein of Delta Force instead ends up as a self-serious environmental polemic on how all deforesters are actually murderous anti-Christs who rape, pillage and kill for sport. For what is ostensibly a thriller, this is a potently uninteresting work; half of the movie is Bernal staring blankly into the distance (presumably searching for the character he's supposed to play!). Julian Apeztugia's magnificent cinematography and a mildly diverting final shoot-out prevent it from being outright unwatchable, yet writer/director Pablo Fendrik fails to quicken the pulse in a thunderously boring effort that, honestly, left me cold (ha). 

Five-Word Verdict: Huh? How? Why? Who? WHAT?!

Score: 1½/5

The Burning is out on DVD and Blu-ray on 10th August

The Future of A Nerdy Blogger From Cornwall or: "I Got A Job!"

An Update

I have just joined www.nextprojection.com, a brilliant film website with a wealth of talented young journalists (and also me), which means content on this blog is no longer a priority. I will still write here on occasion, but my fcous is now on Next Projection and my radio show, which you can listen to from 9-10am GMT every Saturday at http://thehub106.co.uk/.

It's staggering that this blog now has over 3000+ views, and I thank everyone who has read any of my work. Remember you can follow me on Twitter ( @The_Hamster_Boy ) to learn my bizarre thought-process.

Anyway, if I don't see you again, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight. 

P.S. The Truman Show is wonderful.

Arrow Video Double Review: Buckaroo Banzai and Cemetery Without Crosses

Arrow Video Double Review

The lovely people at Arrow Films sent me two of their latest Blu-ray releases (both are released on 20th July) to review. So, I decided to put together a double feature of sorts in order to showcase their great work. Here are my reviews of two underrated cult classics. One of them involves a heroic guitarist/neoursurgeon; the other, an ultraviolent Western, doesn't...

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai 

One of the defining cult films of the 1980s, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (that's actually the title) has inspired filmmakers such as Kevin Smith and Wes Anderson, along with its small but evangelical group of followers. Peter Weller plays the eponymous character, a half-Chinese renaissance man, top neurosurgeon, particle physicist, race car driver, rock star and saviour of the world. With his bandmates, The Hong Kong Cavaliers, he must fight against an evil alien race known as the Lectroids, lead by Christopher Lloyd's John Bigbooté (whether or not you find that funny should tell you if this movie's for you) and mad scientist Emilio Lizzardo, sporting a hysterically unconvincing Italian accent by John Lithgow. As Kevin Smith explains in a recent Q&A featured on this set, the appeal of Buckaroo Banzai lies in its creators' unwillingness to commit to anything remotely conventional. The story is nonsensical, the tone erratic and the special effects charmingly hokey, and its clear director W D Richter and writer Earl Mac Ruach couldn't care less. It's a misfit of a movie, and couldn't be prouder of it. This is a film that wears its simple intentions like a badge, whilst meeting those aspirations admirably. The cast are all game for the gleeful silliness, a young Jeff Goldblum lights up the screen as New Jersey, newbie Cavalier and talented neurosurgeon gifted some of the film's best lines. "Why is there a watermelon there", "I'll tell you later" is my personal favourite exchange (we never actually find out, much to the chagrin of the movie's devoted fans, of which I now count myself). Buckaroo Banzai was made for a highly specific audience, one with a deep affinity for sci-fi, samurai and only-half-knowing cheesiness. I happen to meet that criteria, and if you do too, say hello to your new favourite movie...

Five-Word Verdict: 100 minutes of pure joy

Score: 4/5

Extras: Besides Arrow's customary collector's booklet and exclusive artwork, this excellent set includes a commentary with Richter and Rauch, brand new interviews with Weller and Lithgow, a "making of" featurette, a Q&A, a visual essay by critic Matt Zoller Seitz, an alternate opening featuring Jamie Lee Curtis as Banzai's mother, deleted scenes, trailers and a still gallery

Cemetery Without Crosses

Directed, co-written by (with Dario Argento and Claude DeSailly) and starring French-Italian Robert Hossein, this 1969 spaghetti Western is dedicated to Sergio Leone and has the master's fingerprints all over it. Staggering wide shots, a stunning femme fatale and copious amounts of bloodshed; all it's missing is Leone's directorial verve. Not that Hossein is a poor filmmaker, but it was probably unwise to draw comparisons with one of film's greatest talents. Cemetery Without Crosses concerns the mysterious Manuel, who voes to avenge the death of his friend, employing the help of the widow (Michèle Mercier) in order to bring down the tyrannical Rogers family. It's a basic set-up, yet allows some truly effective emotional beats and an escalating sense of dread which barely relaxes for the bracing 90-minute running time. Hossein handles the obligatory shootouts with clarity and vision, executing a Leone-esque editing style, ensuring white-knuckle tension throughout. His lead performance, although a tad stilted, is underplayed in order to allow the more outlandish Rogers family to grip the audience in uncharacteristically layered villain roles. Although hardly engaging on an emotional level, Hossein's competent handling of the material and the stellar performances make this a remarkable addition to a saturated genre.

Five-Word Verdict: Good, Not Bad or Ugly

Score: 3.5/5

Extras: The typical Arrow treatment, along with a new interview with Hossein, a French news report on the making of the film, an archive Hossein interview and a trailer.

Ant-Man Mini-Review

Ant-Man Mini-Review

Riotously entertaining and refreshingly small-scale, Ant-Man serves as fine counter-programming to Marvel Studios' more bombastic entries. The movie stars Paul Rudd as Scott Lang, a petty criminal hired by retired scientist/superhero/millionaire/generally awesome guy Hank Pym to break into Hank's old company to steal the Yellowjacket (a suit designed to shrink its wearer whilst amplifying their strength) using its prototype: the Ant-Man costume. Plagued by the controversy of visionary director Edgar Wright's untimely departure, the finished film is far better than I was hoping for. If nowhere near as inventive as Wright's version could have been, it remains an extremely likable summer-time distraction. Yes Man director Peyton Reed took the mantle for his blockbuster debut and displays a keen eye for thrilling action sequences, especially in the movie's climactic set-piece: an explosive battle on a child's train set. Honestly. The result is both gloriously silly and a visual marvel (ha). The parallel thematic arc of both Scott and Hank trying to reconnect with their daughters helps ground the superheroics, leading to some well-handled emotional scenes boasting a stand-out performance from the never-better Douglas.

The supporting cast, headed by Evangeline Lily and Michael Peña, also includes Corey Stoll as Darren Cross, Hank's protege and heavily sign-posted villain, along with Bobby Cannavale, Judy Greer and T.I. Yes, T.I. the rapper. Rudd is possibly Marvel's best leading man to date. Equal parts relatable, charming and depression-inducingly buff, he anchors the movie's more outlandish with his natural charisma whilst also proving perfect foil for the frequent bouts of slapstick. By no fault of Rudd, who is excellent, Peña runs away with the whole movie with his over-excitable character's gut-bustingly unfocused monologues, one of which features Stan Lee's funniest cameo yet. I never thought I'd say this, but the 3D is actually worth it. The otherworldly perspective of mundane locations in the ant-scale scenes reveals a whole new world of peril and obstacles, recalling the Rick Moranis classic Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (never a bad thing!). Marvel have never excelled in the villain department, and the finale can't help but be underwhelming. Still, 3D meriting the inflated price tag in a hugely diverting and emotionally satisfying treat many were predicting to be a disaster?

Five-Word Verdict: Are Marvel capable of failure?

Score: 4/5

Love & Mercy Review

Love & Mercy Review

Love & Mercy, Bill Pohland's marvellous biopic of The Beach Boys' Brian Wilson, opens in much the same way as PT Anderson's There Will Be Blood. A strange comparison, I'll grant you, but also perfectly apt. Before begin with a single note, building in volume until the sheer aural assault is hard to take. Both set out to offset the audience with disconcerting music cues, before easing them with more gentle, visceral images. It's the perfect encapsulation of the film: the dark turns of Wilson's turbulent rise, fall and eventual resurgence, matched with the giddy highs of his boundless creativity and touching lessons in love (and, indeed, mercy). From that majestic opening onwards, Love & Mercy proves to be something truly special, and one of the year's best films...

In order to capture the full extent of Wilson's tumultuous life, Pohland and his writers Michael Alan Lerner and Oren Moverman weave between two distinct periods of Wilson's life: the first, featuring an electrifying performance from Paul Dano, depicts his dizzying artistic heights and self-inflicted decline during the late 60s, is the more immediately gripping. However, the 80s segment, in which John Cusack tackles the role of a psychologically damaged man desperate to escape the clutches of his domineering therapist Eugene Landy (the ever-excellent Paul Giamatti), who finds solace in saleswoman Melinda Ledbetter, played beautifully by the equally beautiful Elizabeth Banks is the emotional core of the movie. Pohland juxtaposes these disparate strands in a deeply troubled life to provide not only a heartbreaking tale of the struggle for perfection but a genuinely touching love story full of hope, optimism and redemption. The uneasy relationship between light and dark is what gives the film its raw power; what good is joy without the sadness that came before?

Unsurprisingly, Dano practically runs away with the whole movie, boasting an Oscar-worthy performance which never lets the audience settle. One moment he's celebrating a rush of inspiration in his compostions, the next he's experiencing an LSD-provoked mental breakdown. The most impressive scenes come from the wonderfully naturalistic recording sessions, where Wilson's undying search for brilliance generate some of the greatest songs of all time, along with furious reactions from his exasperated bandmates. Crucially, Pohland and Dano make the clear distinction between is turbulent mental state and his musical mastery; a distinction many biopics neglect to acknowledge. Cusack is equally fantastic in the 80s story, his blossoming romance with Banks forming the backbone on which the more eventful aspects of his life are framed. Brian in the second time period still bares the scars inflicted by his younger, more reckless self. Cusack and Banks work superbly together, sharing an easy chemistry which makes their relationship instantly compelling.

Pohland, having not directed for 25 years, makes a glorious comeback in an often restrained film that ensures its jaw-dropping moments always feel earned and natural. His skill in capturing human emotion is never clearer than in the formative episodes of Brian and Melinda's touching romance. Melinda gives Brian an escape and a new lease of life, whereas she receives more thrills and surprises than she could possibly hope for. This perfect marriage between director and performance makes every scene effortlessly watchable. The cinematography, courtesy of Wes Anderson favourite Robert Yeoman captures both the vibrancy and agony that defines much of Wilson's life, employing both 16 and 35mm film to lend the movie a tactile urgency that would be lost with the use of digital photography. The purposefully oppressive score by Atticus Ross again combines whimsy and pain, and works largely due to Pohland knowing precisely when to employ it, Brian's panic attacks being a prime example of the score's unsentimental purity.

If the side characters are underdeveloped (greater insight into the other Beach Boys would have provided far clearer context for Brian's fall from grace) and the film's free-flowing structure result in occasional tonal whiplash, the magnificence of Love & Mercy is that its minor flaws are rendered all but negligible by the film's perfection elsewhere. Simultaneously life-affirming and heart-breaking, Love & Mercy is a film for the ages, one that will be remembered for years to come as career highlights for its absurdly talented cast and a great calling card for its highly promising director. Note to Oscars: if Paul Dano isn't at least nominated for Best Actor, may God have mercy on your soul...

Five-Word Verdict: I'm picking up good vibrations *tips hat*
Score: 4.5/5

Second Coming Mini-Review

Second Coming Mini-Review

Unambiguous title aside, Debbi Tucker Green's superb debut about a supposed Immaculate Conception, makes minimal concession to religion throughout its absorbing run-time. Set in urban London, it tells the quietly powerful story of Jacqueline Trent (a virtuoso Nadine Marshall) and how her inexplicable pregnancy gnaws away at her friends, family (Idris Elba as her husband, Mark, and JJ, played by the hugely promising Kai Francis-Lewis) and, inevitably, her sanity. The main cast are quietly stunning in challenging, layered roles filled with guilt, regret and thinly masked rage. Green acquits herself marvellously, finding visually dynamic methods of shooting the mundane locations of this secular parable. A frigid therapy session late in proceedings, shot in one increasingly uncomfortable shot is nothing short of miraculous (get it?). As Jacqueline's denial grows ever deeper, and Mark's frustation reaches boiling point, decades of misunderstandings and unresolved history is unleashed, allowing the characters, and  by proxy the film, to let loose in a barrage of deeply troubling scenes of a family in crisis. Matters are in no way improved by Jacqueline's refusal to acknowledge the baby-sized elephant in the room. Regrettably, Green lacks the strength of her social-realist convictions; settling for a misjudged conclusion which leaves marginal room for interpretation. For such a deftly handled movie elsewhere, the ending feels forced and unnecessarily po-faced. If the finale leaves much to be desire, the overall impact of the film makes it forgivable. Moving, honest and enthralling throughout, Second Coming is one of the best British films of the year...

Five-Word Verdict: "Come, let us adore it"

Score: 4/5

3 Women Blu-ray Review

3 Women Blu-ray Review

Review: Roger Altman's 1977 classic 3 Women, loosely inspired by Persona (my favourite film of all time), is a masterpiece in unease and discomfort. Whether or not you enjoy it is up to you, but one thing is certain: it is absolutely unmissable. Or you could just see Ted 2. Your choice, really. Roger Ebert's favourite film of the year on release, this disquieting portrait of obsession will bury itself into your subconscious and refuse to leave. The film follows Pinky (Sissy Spacek, walking the line between irritating and compelling perfectly) as she joins the staff of a Palm Springs day spa and becomes infatuated with her colleague (Shelley Duvall, stealing the show as the delusional Millie). The third woman of the title, Janice Rule as Willie, plagues the movie with disturbing murals of demonic, well-endowed...things (yours truly is evidently an expert in description), becoming a key motif as the increasingly disturbing relationship between Pinky and Millie goes fully down the rabbit hole. Lesser filmmakers may have produced a shlocky, brain-dead male fantasy from the palpable sexual tension of the premise, but Altman assurredly clinical direction gives it a far more cerebral edge. Released 2 years after Eraserhead, it had a clear on David Lynch's later psychosexual lesbianic headtrip Mulholland Drive. Best described as a bizarro blend of Bergman's philosophical musing on identity and Stanley Kubrick's unsentimental perspective on the human condition, this is bold, uncompromising and wholly absorbing filmmaking from one of the greats of modern American cinema. Devoutly singular yet utterly engrossing; essential viewing, even if just to say you have.

Extras: This magnificent new package from Arrow Films' Academy label includes an excellent analysis of the film with David Thompson, author of Altman on Altman, as well as an archive interview with Duvall, a behind-the-scenes photo gallery, a trailer and a new 4K restoration, making this the best-looking dream you'l ever experience (warning: not guaranteed).

3 Women is out on Blu-ray on 13th July

Five-Word Verdict: A masterful diatribe of humankind

Score: 5/5

The Happiness of the Kakaturis Blu-ray Review

The Happiness of the Kakaturis Blu-ray Review

Review: The issue with reviewing a film as twistedly insane as The Happiness of the Kakaturis is trying to convey just how sick, perverse and down-right strange it really is. Under the expert control of Japanese cult legend Takashi Miike, this pitch-black comedy horror-musical is a must-see for Miike purists, but absolutely not for the uninitiated. Combining his customary bloodlust with technically astonishing musical numbers and bizarre animated deluges, Miike has created that rare thing: a truly unique experience. Whether or not this experience proves pleasurable will hinge largely on one's penchant for horror tropes and screwball comedy. And Japanese pop music. It doesn't happen often, but I am honestly lost for words here. I'm reasonably sure I liked this movie, but looking back now, I'm starting to doubt myself. Perhaps that is the film's greatest strength: putting an audience in an indescribable headspace from which even the most evangelical of film critics emerge uncertain. I can't honestly call it a great film, yet Miike's technical proficiency and the (very occasionally) heartfelt story of family and acceptance make this acid-level headtrip, at the very least, an unforgettable one. Side note: a Being John Malkovich-style trip into Miike's mind would be deeply fascinating, whilst also deeply disturbing. Just like his films, then...

Extras: Besides Arrow Video's ever-impressive restoration and collector's booklet, this edition features commentaries with Miike and critic Tom Mes, a new interview with Miike, a making-of documentary, archive interviews with the main cast, a featurette on the animations, a visual essay on Miike's career by Mes and trailers (everyone loves a trailer to the film they've just watched, right?)

Score: 4/5 (I think)

Extras: Nothing is real. Help me.

The Happiness of the Katakuris is out on Blur-ay on 22nd June

Milano Calibro 9 Blu-ray Review

Milano Calibro 9 Blu-ray Review

Review: The first instalment of Italian director Fernando di Leo's "Milieu Trilogy", Milano Calibro 9 is a strikingly evocative entry into the poliziottesco (crime thriller) sub-genre. Utilising a muscular (in more ways than one) lead performance Gastone Moschin, this chilling depiction of Milan's sleazy underbelly stands as a unsung classic, due for re-appraisal with the arrival of a pristine 2K re-release from Arrow Video. Moschin plays Ugo Piazza, an ex-con just released from prison, who is greeted by the sociopathic Rocco (the impressively moustached Mario Adorf) and led back into the world of treachery he is so desperate to escape. Lionel Stander fills the Marlon Brando role as the Americano, orchestrator of this barely-controlled madness. Replacing the genre's typical exploitative sleaze with a thoughtful, almost tender approach, di Leo soap opera proves all the more affecting for its (comparably) subdued nature. The outbursts of ultraviolence are beautifully framed in all their barbarous glory: one-take beatings and a show-stopping climactic shoot-out put most American thrillers to shame. The unsapring dialogue, courtesy of di Leo and Giorgio Scerbanenco, author of the source novel, is particularly strong in the ideological debates between the hot-headed commisioner and his newly appointed colleague. This juxtaposition of intellectualism and poor taste give the production an unpredictable edge, along with cosmopolitan appeal. See it for astute social commentary. See it for the heart-pounding slaughter. See it for the gorgeuous Barabara Bouchet. Regardless of your motives: see it.

Extras: Besides the exemplary restoration and Arrow's customary collector's booklet, this worthy package also includes documentaries on the making of the film, poliziottesco, and the careers of both di Leo and Scerbanenco, an interview with Mochin and trailers.

Five-Word Verdict: A masterpiece, through and through.
Score: 5/5

Jurassic World Mini-Review

Jurassic World Mini-Review

It's taken 22 years and 3 attempts, but we finally have a Jurassic Park sequel worthy of the title, courtesy of the director and writer of the wonderful indie sci-fi comedy Safety Not Guaranteed (stop reading this and watch that movie. You're welcome.): Colin Trevorrow and Derek Connolly. The world's mutual man-crush Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard lead this playful send-up of Hollywood's attitude towards sequels of (understandably) dormant franchises: bigger, scarier, more teeth. As it turns out, when the bean-counting executives of the now-functioning dinosaur theme park create a new hybrid attraction, this model is far from fool-proof. Trevorrow frames his barely-family-friendly film with a Spielbergian sense of awe, the frequent low-angle shots giving a true sense of scale to the chaotic proceedings. The director's lack of blockbuster experience is easily masked by his expert handling of the numerous heart-pounding action scenes, the standout being a spine-prickling jungle chase, facilitated by the joyously dopey inclusion of human-trained velociraptors. Unfortunately, his mastery with a camera does not extend to his and Connolly's slightly lacklustre screenplay, which opts for stupid-for-a-stupid-movie subplots about militarised dinos and two precocious (if serviceable) kids for his leads to rescue, instead of, you know, the thousands of other innocent people being eaten alive. Michael Giacchino has always excelled in nostalgic charm and childlike wonder, and his latest score may be his finest work to date; perfectly blending John Williams' classic themes with new, pulse-pounding compositions. The two leads share an easy-going chemistry, making their inevitable romance both believable and compelling, however unnecessary.  Jurassic World is a silly, explosive and surprisingly brutal crowdpleaser that knows exactly what it is and excels at it, whilst providing a sly nod to its own existence. I loved it, and if you can tune into its brand of gleeful destruction, so could you...

The Spider Complete Series DVD Review

The Spider Complete Series DVD Review

Review: At one point in The Spider, Ole Christian Madsen's brilliant Danish noir thriller, femme-fatale Lisbeth Gordan (the radiant Stine Stengade) tells her beau, the over-zealous reporter Bjarne Madsen (Submarino's Jakob Cedergren) that "you're sick. Journalism is a disease and you've got it". This delightfully vitriolic outburst is customary both of the miniseries' excellent hardboiled dialogue and its generally pessimistic worldview. There are no heroes in this story, merely residents of various subscripts of grey. Due for a UK DVD release on 15th June (from the lovely people at Arrow Films. Seriously, these guys are the best!), now is a perfect time to discover easily one of the best TV shows of the 00s. Cedergren commands the screen as a journalist increasingly overwhelmed by his duties, desperate to lead a normal life with Lisbeth and support his self-destructive brother Ole (Lars Mikkelsen, recently seen playing Magnussen in BBC's Sherlock). His latest endeavour, to uncover a gangster's corruption of the police department could well destroy everything he hopes to build. The cast are universally magnificent, Cedergren being the clear standout with a staggeringly honest portrayal of an imperfect man navigating a morally ambiguous underworld. The mystery itself, although disorientatingly complex at times, coolly pulls you into a web of intrigue (ha!), before bunking off major players with gleeful abandon, all under Madsen's (the showrunner) careful control as he slowly tears down the life of his on-screen counterparts. Boasting a wickedly dark sense of humour, a hypnotic score from Soren Hyldgaard and some of the Dutch-est Dutch angle ever to grace the small screen, this is unmissable television for crime fans and  hat enthusiasts alike...

Extras: None. 

Five-Word Verdict: "I really need that hat"

Score: 4½/5

The Hound of the Baskervilles Blu-ray Review

The Hound of the Baskervilles Blu-ray Review

This review is written by someone ignorant of the original story. Some points made in this review may be the fault of the source material rather than the film in question. Enjoy!

Review: Hammer Horror lend their usual brand of campy shlock to this 1959 adaptation of the classic Sherlock Holmes story, with stellar performances with Peter Cushing as Holmes and Christopher Lee as the terrorised old money Henry Baskerville. Not, as Arrow Video's press notes would have you believe, the genius detective's "most terrifying adventure!", although that does not negate the film's many inspired moments, largely courtesy of a chilling score and the starkly beautiful Dartmoor setting (actually the exotic locales of...Surrey.) The mystery offers few surprises for Doyle fans or people who spend too much time watching movies (yours truly would know nothing about that. Obviously.), yet serves as a satisfactory background for wonderful interplay between the perfectly cast crop of characters. Andre Morell makes an excellent Watson, far more jovial than more recent versions. The supporting cast also includes Francis de Wolff and Ewen Sollon are both excellent as Dr Mortimer and the scheming farmer Stapleton, whose webbed hands become an unlikely plot point in later proceedings. Cushing is the Holmes to whom all other versions must be compared. Never before or since has an actor more convincingly captured the essence of the timeless character; his fervent intelligence and boyish enthusiasm embodied perfectly in every scene. Unfortunately, as is the way for many Hammer productions, the film is a slow-burn building to a rushed denouement. Sherlock doesn't appear on Dartmoor until passed the half-way point, with the final twist coming in exactly five minutes before the end of the movie (including credits). You get the sense that if director Terrence Fisher (a Hammer veteran, responsible for many of their best works) and writer Peter Bryan had  the patience to stick with the story for a while longer, this could reside in classic status. For now though, it remains a well-played and proficiently told gothic horror in search of a more engaging mystery.

Extras: Along with Arrow's standard high-definition transfer, collector's booklet and reversible cover art, this impressive set also includes a brand new documentary on the film (featuring critic Kim Newman and Sherlock co-creator Mark Gatiss), a new commentary with Hammer experts Marcus Hearn and Jonathan Rigby, a featurette on Morell's work with Hammer, an archive interview with Lee, excerpts from the story, a theatrical trailer and an "extensive" image gallery (judge for yourselves on that last one)

Five-Word Verdict: Benedict Cumberbatch can step aside

Score: 3½/5

The Hound of the Baskervilles is out on Blu-ray on 1st June

May Round-Up Review (Mad Max, Pitch Perfect 2, Tomorrowland + San Andreas)

May Round-Up Review

Mad Max: Fury Road: The title is an understatement in this wildly entertaining romp, which manages to be both thrilling and moving, with a clear feminist message; more than welcome in a genre saturated by testosterone. Tom Hardy smoulders, Charlize Theron steals the show. Quite possibly a masterpiece from veteran George Miller. Film of the year so far 5/5

Pitch Perfect 2: The same lazy, unfunny and one-note characters populate this shockingly mean-spirited "comedy" sequel. Whilst the impressive a cappella covers and Anna Kendrick' charisma make it passable, the fact this franchise has a devoted following staggers me 2/5

Tomorrowland: A World Beyond: Dopey subtitle aside, Incredibles director Brad Bird's sci-fi adventure is a breath of fresh air in a film world populated by cynical doomsaying. Newcomers Britt Robertson and Raffey Cassidy threaten to outshine an underplaying George Clooney, whilst Hugh Laurie plays Villain McBadGuy. Bird remains a brilliant storyteller, if only Damon Lindelof's script could match him 3½/5

San Andreas: A pretty rubbish, yet likable, disaster film starring everyone's favourite wrestler-turned-actor-turned-wedding-officiate (www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-B7UJtvlLM) Dwayne Johnson. The CGI destruction scenes are undeniably arresting, and the film has just enough heart to prevent the silliness from going completely overboard. Still rubbish, though 3/5

That was 15-29th May in very brief review. My review of Arrow Video's release of the Hammer classic The Hound of the Baskervilles will be up sometime tomorrow. 

Big Game Mini-Review

Big Game Mini-Review

Tonally chaotic and formulaic to the extreme, Big Game is nonetheless a wildly entertaining action-comedy-ish from Finnish filmmaker Jalmari Helander. The star of Helander bizarre debut Rare Exports, Onni Tommila, plays 13-year-old Oskari, who must journey into the Finnish wilderness and kill a deer within a day to become a man. Instead, he discovers Samuel L Jackson as the President, forced to evacuate Air Force One following an attack by terrorist mercenaries and his bodyguard (a sleepwalking Ray Stevenson). The film's sly genius is in featuring two of the most incompetent, ill-equipped and frankly useless heroes in action movie history. Oskari is incapable of shooting an arrow further than five feet, whereas the President can barely makes his way around a firearm. These unlikely comrades, assisted by Jim Broadbent's sandwich-chewing former agent Herbert, bond over their mutual ineffectuality in a slow build-up before all hell breaks loose in an enthralling final act. The tone wavers between kid-friendly adventure fare and brutal action movie, with middling results. Taken in earnest, this would be a complete disaster. However, if you can buy into the tongue-in-cheek attitude, the well-handled action and endearing performances should provide enough thrills to compensate for the cookie-cutter villains and overt masculinity. If nothing else, it surely delivers the year's greatest death scene. Trust me, you'll know it when you see it...

Five-Word Verdict: Rubbish, in a good way.

Score: 3/5

The Train Blu-ray Review

The Train Blu-ray Review

Review: The most shocking thing about watching the The Train was not only how little I knew about it beforehand, but how much it has inspired over the last 50 years. From the one-man army set-up of Die Hard to the claustrophobia of The Raid; from the ensemble cast of The Italian Job to the daring heist of Ocean's Eleven, the entire recent history of the action genre seems directly drawn from John Frankenheimer's exquisite war movie. Whilst its later impact arguably makes it greater than the sum of its parts, this is still a brilliant war movie that simply demands to be seen.

France, 1944. Art lover and fanatical Nazi Colonel Franz Von Waldheim (Scorpio's Paul Scofield) has plundered a Paris museum for its masterpieces, including works by Van Gogh, Picasso and Degas. His intention is to have them transported by rail to Berlin, but one man stands in his way. Aware that the Allied forces are fast approaching the French capital, Resistance fighter Paul Labiche (Burt Lancaster, star of one of my favourite films: Local Hero) need only stall the train for a few more days, but he’ll have to use all of his wits and skills to do so. The plot essentially exists to generate pulse-pounding action scenes, such as a palm-sweating train painting sequence (way more exciting than that description) and a brilliant Wages of Fear-style derailment (just watch the movie, okay?). The genius of setting a film almost exclusively aboard a vehicle is that the film, just like the characters, is always moving. Whilst this unfortuantely leaves little room for character developement or intricate dialogue, Frankenheimer's leads manage to engage on presence alone.

Scofield, who I was unaware of until The Train, is magnetic as the brutal leader, whose tyranny is matched only with his manipulatve nature which sometimes (perhaps unintentionally) has you siding with his quest for artistic sanctimony. Lancaster, although as expressive as a chair at times, is well-suited to the action hero mould. As with Die Hard's John McClane, Labiche is not a superhero; he spends almost half of the film with a bullet lodged in his leg! This allows for a more relatable and gritty action movie, populated by real (if somewhat exaggerated) people with selfish agendas of their own. The supporting cast adds a wealth of charm and character to the film  in an ensemble comparable to The Great Escape sprawling role call. Albert Remy and Charles Millot are excellent as Labiche's partners in morally acceptable (probably) crime. The bond the trio form during their derring do (apparently this is something people say?). Jeanne Moreau is again fantastic in a small, yet pivotal, role as the kind-hearted innkeeper with a habit of attracting Resistance fighters suffering from bullet wounds. My personal favourite has to be Michel Simon as the elderly engineer with his own scheme to halt the locomotive. His appearance is a short one, whilst simulataneously one of the film's strongest and most poignant. 

Frankenheimer, whose previous work includes The Manchurian Candidate and and French Connection II, here reveals himself to be a master of action filmmaking. Despite essentially being a director-for-hire, Frankerheimer runs the show with a hypnotic blend of long, unbroken takes and tough, Clouzot-esque editing techniques to create a disorienting and off-putting atmosphere, expertly mirroring his protagonist's increasingly desperate psyche. The director's stunning grasp of the use of movement and composition matches the all-time greats of the genre; George Miller, James Cameron and John McTiernan being easy comparisons, with grindhouse favourite Jack Hill a more immediate competitor

Whilst the momentary pacing issue (an oxymoron, surely), along with a purposefully ambiguous ending, prevent this from being a full-on masterpiece, what can't be denied as that The Train is easily one of the best action movies of the 20th century and a rollicking good time all-round. A must-see for action nuts (whilst equally essential for everyone else), this is one re-release you do not want to miss

Extras: Along with a new 1080p restoration of the film, this Arrow Films release also includes a commentary by Frankenheimer, interviews with the director and Simon, a news report on the making of the film, footage from the premiere, a trailer and abooklet with new writing on the film’s production and subsequent impact

Score: 4.5/5

Five-Word Verdict: Better than Die Hard. Sorry.

The Train will be released on Blu-ray on 11th May

Far From the Madding Crowd Mini-Review

Far From the Madding Crowd Mini-Review

Carey Mulligan shines in the latest adaptation of Thomas Hardy's classic romance novel. She plays the impossibly atrractive Bathsheba Everdene, a fiercely independent farm owner being courted by three very different (yet equally passionate) men. Belgian actor Matthias Schoenaerts is Gabriel Oak, the impossibly attractive shepherd with a heart of gold. Tom Sturridge hams up to portray the impossibly attractive Sergeant Troy, a bitter man using Bathsheba to cope with his previous love life. Michael Sheen, however, out-performs everyone as the impossibly attractive (and equally pathetic) William Boldwood, a lonely soul desperate for some company. Danish filmmaker Thomas Vinterberg makes his English-language debut in his  most restrained movie to date, departing from his typical social realism for an old-fashioned love story bordering on the quaint. Charlotte Bruus Christensen's soaringly beautiful cinematography, along with Craig Armstrong's virtuoso score, lend the film an ethereal quality to contrast the film's earthly settings. A surprisingly funny (courtesy of David Nicholls' excellent screenplay) and feminist retelling of a beloved classic, Far From the Madding Crowd is impeccably made and well-acted  counter-programming if Avenging isn't quite your thing...

Five-Word Verdict: Your English A-Level in brief

Score: 4/5

Avengers: Age of Pointless to Review

Avengers: Age of Ultron Review

The title is not a joke; there is literally no reason for me to review this movie. You already know whether or not you want to see it. If you have a soul, then congratulations and enjoy one of the best blockbusters in years. If not, tough luck. Ah well, beats contemplating my existence...

Avengers: Age of Ultron is the latest in the seemingly unstoppable winning streak of Marvel Studios, a studio seemingly incapable of making a bad movie (except Iron Man 2, but let's not go there *shivers*). Whilst technically a sequel to 2012's megahit The Avengers, it also carries over elements from all of Marvel's Phase Two films, as well as setting up future instalments such as Captain America: Civil War and Black Panther. Ultron sees Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr in the role he was born to play), Captain America (Chris Evans, still nailing it), Thor (the enjoyably hammy Chris Hemsworth), Incredible Hulk (Mark Ruffalo; perfect), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson, perfect in a slightly different way) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner, finally getting something to do and doing it admirably) face a new threat of their own invention: the malevolent "murderbot" Ultron [cue gasps]. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner (Iron Man and Hulk. Try to keep up) decide to create an AI to, basically, do their jobs for them. After all, what could possibly go wrong from designing a self-aware robot in a blockbuster, right? Guys? Ultron employs the help of twins Quicksilver (runs fast) and Scarlet Witch (makes scary dreams) to save the world by...destroying it? Makes sense...

The Avengers was written and directed by geek god Joss Whedon, creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and my favourite TV show of all time: Firefly. He seemed like a strange choice at first, with only one feature (the cinematic hurrah of Firefly: Serenity) under his belt but his creative voice is creative voice is now so integral to these films, it's hard to imagine an Avengers movie without him. Whedon specialises in a mixture of humour, heart, brains and thrills. Nowhere is this infectious blend more apparent than in Age of Ultron. For a film marketed heavily as "the dark one", it's almost shocking how much fun this really is. Almost every line is an absolute zinger, especially in the opening action scene. The whip-sharp dialogue is so perfectly crafted, it truly is a marvel (get it?) that only one man could come up with it all. Not only is Whedon brilliant at hilarious character interplay, his work always carries with it an impressive emotional and thematic maturity. For example, the film's stance on artificial intelligence is both wildly unexpected and wholly refreshing.

The action scenes are uniformally terrific, the stand-out being the second-act Iron Man vs Hulk battle. A perfect combination of bombast, humour and melancholy. Serious question: is there anything Joss Whedon can't do? Let me know if you think of something; then shut up. The only disappointment in the action department is Aaron Taylor-Johnson's Quicksilver, who was always going to suffer from comparison to Evan Peters' pitch-perfect portrayal in X-Men: Days of Future Past. Whedon struggles to utilise super speed in any interesting ways. Quicksilver just runs around and...does it really quickly? Elisabeth Olsen fares far better as Scarlet Witch and not just because I would happily marry her tomorrow! Well, can you blame me? Scarlet Witch is arguably the film's secret weapon, simultaneously a compelling character with believable motivations and a complete bad-arse.

The MVP, though, most go to James Spader as the smooth, charismatic and psychopathic Ultron. Spader is clearly relishing the role, one that could so easily have fallen into cliche, yet one he makes his own. The film sort-of implies that Ultron learns his witticisms from Stark, but it's open to interpretation. What is clear is that he is at least a parallel to his creator, with the same sarcasm, off-the-charts IQ and penchant for blowing s**t up. The motion-capture work gives real presence and weight to Spader's virtuoso performance, with Whedon's brilliant writing rounding off what is easily the best villain of the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.

Studio interference is evident at times, predominantly during the rushed finale. At around the two-hours-ten mark, the plug is basically pulled on the movie in time for a timely rap-up. Whedon has confirmed that his original cut was over three hours long, and it really shows in the closing moments. Whilst blatantly financially motivated, it was wonderful to see Hawkeye given more development, given his "the other guy" status prior to this instalment. Although, it does slightly ruin this brilliant sketch from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ27iS1mkuo

If this really is Whedon's final bow in the franchise, his absence will be felt. Nobody can balance so many components and make them all fit naturally together like him. Whether it's a touching Hulk-Black Widow romance or an exhilarating castle siege interrupted by Captain America's hard-line rules on profanity, these films simply won't be the same without his influence. Nevertheless, with the Russo Brothers (whose Winter Soldier I grossly underappreciated on release) seemingly taking on the mantle, I can't wait to see where these characters go next. By the way, does anyone have Elisabeth Olsen's phone number?

Five-Word Verdict: Vote Joss Whedon for President
Score: 4/5

Insurgent Review

Insurgent Review

It’s pretty safe to say that I wasn’t looking forward to Insurgent., it being the sequel to the worst film of last year: Divergent. Its predecessor was a plodding, poorly written and maddeningly dull pile of…claptrap, made unforgivable by a premise so nonsensical, I wouldn’t be surprised if author Veronica Roth (on whose book series the films are based) turned out to be an extraterrestrial sent here to discover how much…claptrap we are capable of withstanding. My god… the premise. A world in which society is split into five factions based on their SOLE personality trait will never exist. That’s because this isn’t a dystopian future based on real socio-economic issues like The Hunger Games, it’s a manipulative, insulting and shockingly simplistic parable for teenage girls’ first world problems. But I digress. Insurgent is an objective improvement on its predecessor, until what perhaps constitutes the single worst twist I have ever experienced. If Veronica Roth is here to torture us with lazy writing and absurd storylines, she’s doing a damn good job of it…

Picking up the story a few days after the first film, Insurgent follows Tris ( a young woman on the run for not completely fitting into any of the five factions, because it’s not like everyone would display more than one personality trait!), her boyfriend Four (Theo James, displaying the charisma of a blocked toilet), brother Caleb (a disappointingly bland Ansel Elgort) and semi-nemesis Peter (Miles Teller, unfortunately stuck in a franchise he signed on to before the world realised he could act) as they attempt to evade Kate Winslet’s Jeanine, who is signified as malevolent by being an adult. As you would have cleverly surmised from the spoiler-tastic trailers, Tris is captured and forced to perform a series of tasks, each based on one of the five factions to open a box. That’s honestly the entire second half of the movie: Shailene Woodley (a fine actress struggling to find any nuance in a truly awful script) jumping around a green-screened world as Kate Winslet stares at a screen and basing her entire performance on the word ‘stoic’.

Other Divergents have unsuccessfully attempted to open this box, but you see: Tris isn’t just Divergent, she’s the most Divergent-est person EVAR. For the observant in the audience and the subconscious of the teenage audience who honestly believe these films are more than… claptrap, the whole franchise is an unapologetic metaphor for a high school cafeteria, with the social structure divided by personality and every adult occupying a space of absolute tyranny. The film takes this to the extreme on multiple occasions; a notable example being Octavia Spencers’ character shouting “My office. Now.” after a fight breaks out…in a makeshift cafeteria. This level of obnoxious pandering is turned up to 11 (yes, even after as depressing an experience as watching Insurgent, I still manage to shoe-horn in random movie references) with THAT twist ending. As it turns out, the box contains a message from the founders of the franchise’s ridiculous world, which informs us that the Divergent are in fact the saviours of the world and superior to the easily dividable in every conceivable way. That’s right, everyone who feels like they don’t fit in (which, let’s face it, is every teenager on the planet), being different doesn’t mean you’re as good as everyone else, it means your better! Do I even have to explain the inherent stupidity of that message? A franchise that could have been an important celebration of individualism as an equal to commonality reduces itself to a black-and-white depiction of people not “getting you”.

Woodley gives her all as Tris, but even an actress of her considerable talent can’t make even the best scenes any better than passable, and she’s not helped by her sleep-walking co-stars. Elgort and Teller obviously have no investment in the franchise other than a financial one, which is understandably for two gifted actors lumbered with such poor material. And Theo James… is a terrible actor. Seriously, the guy is obviously only employed for his looks and imbues Four with the charm of a moderately sized rock. Jai Courtney reprises his role as bullish traitor Eric whilst continuing to fail in showing we Hollywood insists on him being the next big thing. The impressive adult cast , including Winslet, Spencer, Naomi Watts and Ray Stevenson are unforgivably wasted. Seriously Insurgent, you have Ray Stevenson and you give him a maximum of 10 lines? Winslet receives the most screen time, but fails to register with a role that requires her to display emotional detachment (not exactly challenging!)

Director Robert Schwentke is a marked improvement on Divergent’s Neil Burger in terms of action scenes. Schwentke uses many wide shots and long takes, giving set pieces a clear sense of geography often lacking in modern action movies. Writers Brian Duffield, Akiva Goldsman and Mark Bomback were never going to be able to create a worthy product from Roth’s godawful novels, but would it have hurt them to have tried? Schwentke keeps decent control of the technical aspects, and I look forward to see him implement his skill on a film worth making. That is perhaps Insurgent’s greatest crime: bringing together such a talented group of individuals (along with Theo James) and wasting them on a pandering, nauseating and ultimately infuriating waste of time.

The morning before I saw, nay suffered through, this travesty, my friend told me it was “just as good as the first one”. Having seen it, I am forced to agree with her. Unfortunately, that means it’s the current frontrunner for worst film of the year. 

Five-Word Verdict: A steaming pile of... claptrap

Score: 1/5